A Framework for Repairing after Mistakes

We all make mistakes.

While we may know this and understand it at some level, and maybe even accept it… is that all there is to it?

Sometimes when we make mistakes a simple shoulder shrug and an “oops” will do, but other times, a more honest and sincere repair is called for. Sometimes you need to apologize and try to make it right. We may be growing and learning in this practice between friends, partners, family members, but are we practicing this with children, too?

In Montessori and Positive Discipline, we talk about mutual respect between children and adults. Sometimes this falls a little short when it comes to apologizing. Personally, I really can’t remember a time when my parents apologized to me growing up. I maybe have a little memory of a teacher saying they were sorry here and there…. but it’s safe to say that this was not modeled for me.

How do you feel when you make mistakes? Sometimes feelings of guilt or shame come up and it can be hard to know how to handle them. This is all so nuanced, as all of this work is, and a helpful framework for recovering from mistakes goes something like this:

Pause: Wait for a cooling-off period before you attempt repair.

Oftentimes mistakes made by adults and children are when they are in a flipped-lid or dysregulated state and it’s not the time for sincere repairing or rational problem solving. If one or both of you isn't ready, you might try something like “Could we make an appointment to work together on a solution when we feel better?”

Recognize that you made a mistake.

Share your part of the mistake with the child, avoiding blame or guilt. This will take a certain amount of self-forgiveness as you feel your feelings and move through them, before talking with the child. Try to remember what you are modeling for the child: mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth.

Take responsibility for your part.

Be specific and keep it simple, again without blame or shame. You might say something like “I yelled at you instead of telling you my feelings.”

These first steps create connection with your child. Get at their level, establish eye contact, you may be holding their hand or have them close to you. You know your child best and can feel what is right in the moment.

Reconcile by apologizing to your child.

Take the time you need to prepare for a simple, authentic apology. Children can be so forgiving and generous when we let them know we are sorry. There is so much for us to learn in their presence.

Resolve by focusing on solutions.

Brainstorm with your child ways to fix the problem at hand and/or prevent it from happening in the future, such as: “I would appreciate your help finding a solution to this problem” or “What could I do that would be helpful to you now?”

Joint problem solving is key here so your child feels heard and seen, and the onus is not entirely on them to come up with solutions. The solutions don’t need to come entirely from you, either. When you brainstorm together, your child likely will come up with great ideas and it’s an opportune time to demonstrate how you don’t have all the answers.

Authentic repair is an important and powerful process in relationships with children, and really, with anyone. And it can be so healing for everyone involved.